Too Long, Too Personal

WARNING: Uncharacteristic post from SSW. If you're here for the usual silliness and frivolous entertainment, this one is not for you. Feel free to bypass.

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My doctor gave me pain pills the other day. The kind that I could make money off of on the street. I've never taken any prescription pain medicine before...I'm not really the "medicated" type. Don't like taking anything, really. Au natural. So I put it off.

Now I've taken them and I will say, not too shabby. I can see where all the hype comes in. Although as I lay here in bed all weekend trying to get myself better, painkillers or not, all I can think about is how tough life can be on us. The longer we live, the more jaded we become. The more jaded we become, the more full of shit we appear to be. And the more full of shit we appear to be, the less successful we are in relationships, of any kind.

I'm writing this as an exercise. To be able to externally express my emotions. The thing is, such a feat is next to impossible for me. Whether it's to one person or to the Internet. I like to keep things happy, fun, social. That's my personality - online and in real life. I'm the one who holds it all together, cheers people up when needed, provides the comic relief, has the crazy stories. I'm the party girl, the one the marrieds live vicariously through, the girl of steel. Which is all great, to an extent.

I never used to be this way. I would say what I felt at any moment. I was an excellent communicator of my emotions. Would let myself feel. Over the past few years, I've been jaded, as we all have, by whatever it is in this world that jades us. I used to be a bit of a dweller. Listened to sad music when I was sad. Let myself cry when I needed to. Would go sit by the river at the park and just stare at the water, trying to figure things out. And it worked.

I don't know what changed, but all of a sudden I found myself not letting me listen to those sad songs. I started forcing the tears back and pasting that smile on my face. No more going to the river to ponder my so-called life. It was time to dive in, stay busy and just be happy at all times. At first it sounded like a novel idea. I've since learned, maybe not so much.

Over the past few years, the "happy" years, I've had alot of fun. I've made tons of new friends. I've torn up this town, among others. I've had some of the best times of my life. I've also had heartbreaks, hurts and failures. And it seems, little by little, my innocence has vanished away. And despite the fact that I have more confidence in myself now than I ever have, I can't let people in. And not just anyone. Only those that I most want to be able to let in. I am afraid. Of what, I do not know.

Don't get me wrong, I am very real with people, I just can't open up after a certain point. And it sucks. It sucks because sometimes there's so much to say. But the words just won't come out. They won't come out because I am afraid. Because I think they don't want to be heard. Because they might be viewed as irrelevant. Because I might just be being dramatic.

Like right now. I'm totally making excuses so I don't have to actually post this. Too personal. Too much information. Too much nonsense. And really, like you freakin' care about whether or not I can open up to someone emotionally. But honestly, this one's not for you readers out there. It's for me. So screw it.

Truth is, there's a lot of shit going down in my life right now. Good stuff, but scary. And tricky at this point. (If you're dying to know, just ask and I'll tell you off the record for now.) And with all the shit that's going down, I have a lot of decisions to make. And in order to make these decisions, I've got to be able to open up. And to open up, I don't know what I have to do, except maybe just get some balls about it. Easier said than done. It doesn't make any sense. I am bold in any other aspect of my life. Why is this one such a problem?